King of the Rut

My life seems far more pleasant when I am focused on moving toward something rather than away from something. Presently, I feel like I am standing still; however, this stillness is neither peaceful nor tranquil, but marked by a kind of restless, ambiguous, anticipatory anxiety. I feel so aimless and stagnant. I lack direction and motivation. I seek PURPOSE! My wheels are spinning, but they lack the traction of the road toward personal fulfillment. I drive in small, redundant circles these days. I am a closed-circuit.

I stopped smoking marijuana months ago because (a) I wanted to pass any required drug testing to land a job and (b) I seriously considered this listless feeling could be a product of the so-called "amotivational syndrome" associated with the heavy usage of marijuana. So I got a job, and I was fired weeks later (my boss "didn't feel it was working out between us" and decided she wanted a new administrative assistant). The dreariness of returning to the job search has compounded my melancholia (job-seekers: I caution against pursuing degrees in Literature). And I have come to believe the marijuana had little or no effect on my overall motivation. Marijuana and many other illegal drugs of are littered with myths. Sure, if you smoke up every morning, noon, and night while sitting around on the couch, watching cable TV and eating junk food all day long, and you never pick up a book, or take a class, or stimulate your body and mind with new experiences, you will probably become a very unmotivated person. I have witnessed this trend in population of Stonerville. But remove the marijuana, and you describe another whole mass of the population (can you say middle-aged housewives?).

Happiness and abundance are better classified as states of mind rather than a material manifestation of wealth or luxury items, I believe. I have occupied that state of mind. I know how it feels to be excited, dedicated, and vibrant. Some of my most inspirted times were during my U.C. Santa Cruz years when I filled my mind with revolutionary knowledge, hiked all over Santa Cruz coalescing with nature's rich biomes, wrote poetry daily, felt that philosophy truly mattered, and began integrating the musical fragment of my spirit. And, mind you, I smoked pot regularly, but not chronically, in these days; I hold a strong belief in healthy self-moderation. All this felt so GREAT and led to my eventual freedom from the horrible homosexual repression that had plagued me for many years. I felt so wonderful, and light, and whole, and healthy. And yet, with this enormous swelling of personal freedom and power, I have somehow dug myself into a rut over these last few years.

So, how do I coax this state of mind to arrive again for me? I require some kind of shift, some kind of change--a thrust of enthusiasm, a worthy cause to stand behind, an important challenge to meet. One thing I know is that I'm ready to get the heck out of Redding, CA--this red-neck of the woodz. This jim-bob-boring town is stifling my spirit; and, despite the fact that I harmoniously live with my mom & dad, I'm ready to stake a claim on my own space, freedom and independence. But life is interdependence, with each part counterpoised perfectly in aspect to all other parts of the universe (I've started to see a unifying principle underneath all discrete appearances). I suppose my theory is: when all else fails, move somewhere new. Is there such a thing as "The Geographic Cure?" And, am I moving toward or just moving away? So much of life seems like a bizarre game to me these days and much of what I see appears linked to a projection from the internal, rather than being free-standing externalities: reality seeming less an accretion of discrete outer events and more like an extension of unfolding inner-processes. Very metaphysical, I know, but that's where I'm at right now. I crave an answer. I seek the clarity to unlock the chains that are tying my down.

I do have soaring passions, talents, long-range goals, and dreams, but I can't seem to deciper the correct constellation of action to generate a feeling of success, abundance, and fulfillment. I am not placing a lot of parameters on how my prosperity manifests other than I want something that allows me the space to grow and evolve as a person toward higher levels of self-actualization and self-realization as an artist and creator on this planet. I am in the process of defining my dream jobs and planning the real-world steps to achieving those positions. So far, I have thought about: novelist, video-game composer, EFT practitioner/teacher, chair/professor of creative writing at the university level. And if you know of any job openings for a writer, or anyone who needs music composed, or anyone who is battling phobias, anxiety, fears, sickness, or addictions and yearns for relief, please send them in my direction and I would be very grateful. Also, if you know of anyone who knows a lot of people or might have a connection, appreciation, or need for one of these services, please give them my e-mail or phone number (Justin Karpel -- livinluff@yahoo.com -- 530-953-5947) so that I may network with these individuals and find some employment. Money is a useful tool for leveraging, but it's more of a means than an end-in-itself. But if I can make and save a little cash, I believe that I will be able to initiate some satisfying pursuits and move toward fulfilling my highest good and goals.

I've signed up for an interesting EFT program called "Attracting Abundance with EFT" ( www.carollook.com ). I think it will be an excellent discipline and I believe whole-heartedly in the power of EFT to produce both lasting changes and results. I really believe that EFT provides me with the practical magic to usher in a new level of personal satisfaction and radical change for the better. I am desperately seeking clarity, and I do have the distinct feeling that a breakthrough is on the way.

I see a compelling future of epic symphonic nights and dancing days and poetry dripping heavy from all of our tongues and ritual spells of light mixing with dark; from the crevasse of the deepest sorrow, the highest forms of love and light are born! Carl Jung said, "There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness." O unholy blessings, tyrannical bliss, rapid fire hailstorm of messages from somewhere above your head beneath the water, and the clear mystery of a foggy dawn turning to the sunny morning jewel. Integration is the key. I have seen the temple, but I cannot find the door yet.

To better times on the way for all of us,
Justin